ah jez iv had another long hiatus from the blog.
I wish i could stay on top of things! the longer i leave it the more i have to write about, the more excited and confused i get and then fail! way too overwhelmed to write about everything thats gone down in the last few weeks. the weird thing? it isnt even anything special…Im just dam well living life again
I decided to watch this today because I’m not having a particularly good day with my mood and body image and food.
It was really good, she was really raw and open.
It’s so refreshing to hear someone in the spotlight speak openly about such ugly and hushed up topics like depression and eating disorders.
I cried abit just after half way just cause it kind of sparked off some of my own flashbacks of memories and feelings of shame and never being “good enough” that I feel all the time. But then she also helped me to really appreciate just how far I’ve come and that made me cry too haha just cause a year ago I never thought I would be here.
One thing which kind of bugged me was the way she believes that her illnesses will be with her every day, that “recovery doesn’t get a day off”. This is probably true, we might always need to be mindful of our potential to have disordered thoughts and rely sometimes on external sources for the truth about a situation or ourselves…but still. It’s never easy to feel like you can keep going when you feel like you’ll never be able to just be free of it all.
At least though, I am, and forever will be, more free than I would be if I succumbed to it, SO guess I’ll just have to Stay Strong :)
Wrote a poem for my mum for mothers day!
I know, I am too cute haha don’t think i’ll post it up tho cos i made it just for her. anyway, 1 down 6 to go :)
Woah dunno why this is so weird for me- its been a long time since muesli that I haen;t made myself has been a fear food for me- but I just had a big bowl for breaky! and then a banana..feeling very full. but satisfied and ready for my busy day :)
ALSO getting back to my writing again. need to set myself challenges so that i do NOT procrastinate! a major issue of mine.
Im thinking making next week poetry week and having to write at least one poem every day! do-able?
I guess we will jsut have to wait and see.
Ah i feel so much more relaxed after really opening up about the issues that had been getting worse with my depression and esting disorder. Its ACTUALLY amazing what telling your problems to someone you trust can do. The problem afterwards jsut weighs almost nothing compared to how heavy it was when only you knew about it. And voicing fears helps me feel like I’m not alone anymore and that’s a big thing for me. Im so used to, as soon as I start to feel down, gradually retreating into myself and then slowly physically isolating myself untill I feel so alone it really eats me up inside and it takes HUGE effort to burst back out into life. These days its a whole lot easier, I can even yank myself back by myself! and i love that I can recognise this.
No matter how many tears and how many awful nights and humiliation and shocking realisations that my recovery journey has taken me through so far…I would not get off or wish I never admitted I had a problem. Recovery is rocking my world in more good ways than bad for sure!
My good friend facebooked me the other day (she often talks to me about depression) and asked me simply, “Are you happy?” and i replied, “I still struggle alot, but I’m happier then i can ever remember being!”. True story.
Good night beautiful people xx
Did not burn myslef out last night! Finally realising that keeping myslef busy 24/7 was fooling me into thinking I was so much better. I may have the eating back out of control but my head space and thought processes could do with a lot. A LOT. more work.
Actually had me time last night and re-capped my day. It went well so bring on today :)